NEURODIVERSE COUPLES.

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Communication Challenges in Neurodiverse Partnerships

Neurodiversity – the key that unlocked my world

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Dr. Mike Emlet

How can a wife love a husband who suffers with Aspergers Syndrome?

Atypical TV Series on Netflix

This series helps shed light on challenges in Asperger / Neurotypical dating.

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Neurodiverse Couples 

Because of the location of my practice in Silicon Valley, I have had the privilege of supporting many Neurodiverse couples, where one partner has Asperger's Syndrome (AS) and the other is Neurotypical (NT; referred to elsewhere as Non-Asperger's, or Non-Spectrum). In fact, a UC Davis study has identified the Sunnyvale/Santa Clara area as an autism "cluster". The encouraging news is that, with the right help and a lot of hard work, these couples can have fulfilling marriages that are rewarding in their own unique ways.

 

WHAT IS ASPERGER SYNDROME?


Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is a neurological condition that is considered as high-functioning autism (Autism Spectrum Disorder). Individuals with this syndrome have difficulty with social aspects of intelligence. Although people with AS do feel affection towards others, relationships are not a priority for them in the same way that it is for people who do not have AS.

 

On a day-to-day basis, people with AS generally seem to be more focused on a particular interest, project or task than on the people around them. Yet, I have found that many of my clients with Asperger's are genuine, honest, funny and certainly make real contributions to the world that we live in.

NEURODIVERSITY MAGNET


Often Asperger adults and neurotypicals are attracted to each other and couple up. The neurotypical may be attracted to the Aspie's stability, focus and intelligence. The Aspie may appreciate the neurotypical helping him or her navigate social situations. They may feel like they are complementary, a perfect fit - hence it may feel like a "magnet" pulled them together.

DIFFERENCES TURN INTO DYSFUNCTIONAL PATTERNS


Once the couple is married, they discover that they speak different languages and have a disparity in how they think and experience emotions. Without the tools to understand and constructively deal with neurodiversity, these differences are often interpreted negatively which, over time, become cemented into dysfunctional painful patterns which gradually destroy the relationship.

THERAPY FOR COUPLES WITH ASPERGER’S


Therapists who are not experienced with neurodiversity often tell clients married to Asperger adults that their partner cannot feel empathy and cannot truly love.

 
This is dangerous feedback because it is simply not true. All of my clients feel empathy and are capable of love.

 

Asperger adults are often shocked to find that their partner’s faith in their love and loyalty could be compromised by a forgotten good-bye or missed eye-contact. I believe that most of my typical AS client feels empathy but often needs a lot of help to understand his partner and when he does understand, has difficulty expressing empathy.

 

In session, our work often takes two paths:
 

  1. the couple work and

  2. the support work for the neurotypical spouse (see below).

 

For the couple work, I help you create as much emotional intimacy as possible. Often, emotional intimacy has been blocked during the years the couple was not aware of AS. This pre-diagnosis period is often marked by misunderstanding, resentment, anger outbursts and withdrawal.

SPECIFIC STEPS


First, I am very aware that many of my clients have been hurt by therapists that tried to make them "less autistic." I will try hard NOT to do that.

 

Instead, we work together to eliminate the counter-productive patterns (mostly based on misunderstanding) that have developed over years, accept each other's differences, and begin extremely explicit behavioral steps to increase closeness.

 

These behavioral steps are based on the Asperger Couple Workbook and the 14 steps (developed by Eva Mendes) which are listed below:

  1. Pursuing a diagnosis (OPTIONAL) or Identifying the aspects of Asperger's that apply to you;

  2. Accepting the diagnosis OR accepting your unique characteristics;

  3. Staying motivated;

  4. Understanding how AS impacts the individual;

  5. Managing depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder;

  6. Self-exploration and self-awareness;

  7. Creating a Relationship Schedule;

  8. Meeting each other's sexual needs;

  9. Bridging parallel play;

  10. Coping with sensory overload and meltdowns;

  11. Expanding Theory of Mind;

  12. Improving communication (learning to interpret gestures, facial expression and tone of voice of others so that intentions and the meaning of communication is clearer);

  13. Co-parenting strategies;

  14. Managing expectations and suspending judgment (developing a realistic understanding of who one is, greater appreciation of one’s unique qualities and strengths).

CHANGE

 

Although these steps may seem daunting, there is good news. Despite the tendency of the AS partner to be rigid and focused on himself, most AS clients that I work with will put in tremendous efforts to change in the context of my therapy and the support from the NT spouse.

 

Asperger’s is NOT a fixed condition that locks someone into the same behaviors throughout life. It is subject to the same forces of change that occur in anyone’s life. Understanding this provides the ray of hope to break painful entrenched patterns of interaction. 

Please know that the change is usually gradual but, over time, both partners usually experience progress and your relationship can finally become more relaxed and rewarding. In fact, many neurodiverse couples that I counsel report that they are satisfied with the marriage and choose to remain in the relationship.

DIAGNOSIS

Most of my clients do NOT seek to receive a diagnosis from me, nor do I find much benefit in providing one. It is much more effective to treat whatever unique characteristics which present themselves and avoid the negative effects of labeling and having a fixed mindset.

On the other hand, it can be INCREDIBLY helpful to receive a diagnosis if it can help a couple reinterpret behaviors as a way of experiencing the world as opposed to a sign of bad intent.

In such cases, clients start by taking the following on-line assessments (not definitive tests):

When a formal diagnosis is requested and we agree that it will be helpful, I take the following steps:

  • Discuss your developmental history

  • Discuss your development of peer relationships and friendships and the quality of attachment to family members

  • Make behavioral observations including your social and emotional presentation

  • Observe your self-awareness, perspective-taking and level of insight into social and behavioral issues

  • Discuss your ability to understand another person’s feelings, intentions and beliefs

  • Ask for your self-report of certain symptoms

  • Meet with a friend or family member who can provide additional perspective

  • Assess for related issues such as obsessive-compulsive tendencies, general anxiety and depression.

Please note that neurological testing is not required to get a “formal” diagnosis. 

MEDICATIONS

 

Where appropriate, I encourage couples to consider if medications can help. There are no medications for Aspergers but there are meds for anxiety, depression, OCD and ADHD which often are experienced in these situations. I always provide a referral to a qualified psychiatrist for all discussions on medications.

VIDEO THERAPY

Overall, I recommend in-person therapy for Neurodiverse couples. Nonetheless, because there are so few therapists who specialize in Neurodiversity, I also offer video counseling or coaching. This approach often works well and may be more comfortable for the AS partner.

FOR THE NEUROTYPICAL SPOUSE

 

 
RELATIONSHIP OF CONVENIENCE?

 

Because the person with AS does not have the same relational needs as the non-Asperger partner, he or she is often unable to instinctively recognize the emotional needs of his or her partner and may feel ill-equipped to meet them. Relationships can thus form seriously dysfunctional patterns.

 

People who do not have AS enter a relationship with the normal expectation that the priority of a relationship will be about togetherness, mutual terms and meeting of needs, but in reality the relationship ends up feeling like one of practicality and convenience for the person with AS.

For those who had typical expectations of the mutuality of marriage, there will be a sense of betrayal and a feeling of being used and trapped. Instinctively they know that their partner needs them, but feelings develop that the relationship is about the needs and interests of the person with AS and that there is not room for their own voice.

 

Many partners feel that they are daily sacrificing their own sense of self to help fulfill the priorities of the partner who has AS. They begin to feel that they are entirely defined by the role they fill for their Asperger partner. There often is a felt loss of mutuality. The set of symptoms has been described as Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome/Cassandra Phenomenon (OTRS/CP).

 

SPECIFIC STEPS FOR THE NEUROTYPICAL

 

With this dynamic in mind, a large portion of my work is to help the NT partner in some of the ways listed below. Usually, about half of them work. My job is to help you explore and find the ways that fit you best.​

1. Focus on the Positives
Appreciate the strengths of the AS partner (which often included loyalty, stability, intelligence and independence),
  
2. Be Concrete with your Requests

Learn how to communicate your needs in a constructive manner that can be received by your AS partner

 
3. Focus on small, positive changes
Don't expect big changes overnight or you will be disappointed and it will make it hard to stay on track. Imagine the smallest change possible that would signal a shift in how things have been going. Then focus on that. 
 
4. Promise yourself that you will have a great future, no matter what.

You can not control what your spouse does, but you can control what you decide to do with yourself and your children, if you have them. Take a deep breath and envision how you are going to create a great future, regardless of your spouse's choices.
 
 5. Exercise your worry away.

Take a walk, get some exercise to become more fit. Exercise can be a lifesaver. It helps to assuage worries, feel good about yourself and increase feel-good hormones like endorphins. 
 
6. Do one new thing you enjoy.

Don't become stale just because you are having a shaky time in your marriage. Novelty will stimulate your brain and maybe even your heart and help you have a more positive outlook about the future.
 
7. Prioritize quality time with your children or other loved ones.  

Be present. You will never be able to do your children's childhood again, so do your best to be with them mentally when you're with them. 
 
8. If you get off track, get back on quickly without self-blame.
What separates the winners from the losers is not whether or how many times you get off track, it's how rapidly you get back on track.  
 
9. Do activities that help you rediscover serenity.
Meditate, pray, hike in the mountains or watch a sky full of shooting stars. 

10. Be kind, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it. You may be angry, disappointed, or even devastated by your spouse's choices and actions. However, rather than react to unsettling behavior, assume your spouse is lost and confused.  Be patient, kind and steady.

FINAL COMMENTS

 

The healing journey for a Neurodiverse couple is a long one. Like any other adversity, this can end up making you both better human beings with a deep appreciation of each other. I understand your struggle and would be honored to support you!

 

Change begins by taking the first step.
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If you are in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, a free, 24-hour hotline at 1.800.273.8255.  If your issue is an emergency, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.  Dr. Motro does not offer crisis counseling or emergency services.

Dr. Harry Motro, Marriage Counselor, is an employee of Harry Motro, Psy.D., Marriage and Family Therapist, P.C., (a Professional Corporation), which does business as the Couples Recovery CenterCouples Recovery Center provides specialized couples counseling and includes the following professionals:
 

 

If you are interested in joining our team, apply here.

 

Dr. Motro practices at 3880 South Bascom Drive, Suite 111, San Jose, CA,95124, is Licensed as a Marriage Family Therapist MFC 53452 and authorized to act as a Psychotherapist providing Psychotherapy. He specializes in Couples Counseling. In addition to dealing with couples and relationship issues, Dr. Motro is trained to treat anxiety, panic attacks, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, bi-polar, ADHD, Asperger's, sex difficulties, anger regulation issues, affair fallout, divorce recovery, self-esteem, addiction, co-dependency, trauma, abuse, eating disorders, and managing grief and loss. These issues often arise in couples counseling and will be dealt with as part of your therapy. If you search for counseling San Jose, marriage counselor San Jose, couples counselor San Jose, psychotherapy San Jose, psychotherapist San Jose, therapist San Jose, counselor San Jose, couples therapist San Jose, couples counselor San Jose, marriage therapy San Jose, life coach San Jose, career coach San Jose, executive coach San Jose, you can find Dr. Harry Motro's web site. In addition to serving San Jose, Harry serves clients in Campbell, Los Gatos, Saratoga, Willow Glen, Milpitas, Mountain View, Monte Sereno, Cupertino, Scotts Valley, Felton, Sunnyvale, Morgan Hill, Fremont, Los Altos, and Gilroy, California. Dr. Motro also provides  Mountain Bike Therapy. The recommendations on this website do not constitute professional advice, substitute for professional treatment, or establish a therapeutic relationship.

Harry Motro, Psy.D., Marriage and Family Therapist, P.C., www.harrymotro.com, harrymotro@gmail.com, 408 823 2822.

Dr. Harry Motro © 2009 - 2020. All rights reserved.